Echos and how they form...the impact of life's soundtrack

A difficult couple of months...have been the most meaningful and blessed ever.

My mother died on October 11, 2014.
No one ever writes those words without bearing a heavy load on their heart. However, I can't say I was too shocked to hear my sister tell me this news over the phone on an otherwise regular Autumn Saturday afternoon four years ago, as our mother had been dealing with poor health for almost 10 years prior, but she wasn't suffering from any acute end-stage illness at the time, either--so it did come as a surprise that day.

I always had the thought in the back of my mind--about what that day would be like when I got the terrible news. It's every little child's worst nightmare to hear that their mother has died and as a kid my imagination often dreamed up the worst scenarios. I always imagined that I would just lose it emotionally, be in hysterics, not be able to go on...but if enough time passes you grow up a bit. Life's experiences give you some control of your feelings--At the very least in an attempt to resemble looking like an adult. But, of course, that didn't mean I stopped thinking about it...worried about getting that call. On the contrary, since my mother had been so sick for 10 years I thought about it all the more. I knew it was coming soon. As a family man in my mid 40's, I probably imagined myself reacting to the news in the way a "grown-up" would handle it: I'm at some meeting at work--I get the call--I politely excuse myself...and I say things like "I understand..." or "Wow. How are you doing?" I would need to calmly focus in order to make phone calls, tell other people, make arrangements...do serious stuff in the face of bad news...like a grown-up would do.

But I wasn't doing anything serious at the time when my sister called. I was alone at home cleaning my car out. My pregnant wife and 2 year old son were out for a quick run to the store. Instead, when she told me the news I just felt numb. I didn't cry, not right away. Instead, I felt so sad for my sister who was crying so heavily she could barely tell me the news. So, luckily for me, I was able to focus on helping her feel more comfortable telling me the awful news. The phone call ended after a few minutes and then...I was alone...in my driveway...listening very clearly to the light Autumn breeze blow and swirl around the trees and our small house. Quietly, I thought "What do I do, now?"

My wife came home after just a few minutes but it seemed like it took so much longer. I didn't think about calling her to tell her--And I didn't know who else to talk to at that moment. I hung out in the garage--Crying a bit. When my wife did come home, she greeted me with the usual "hi honey" while our rambunctious little boy playfully waited for us to get him out of the car seat...but right away she saw that something was not right in my face. "What...?" she asked. "My mom died." It hung there for just a second...We embraced and I just held on to her. It was a welcome relief. In her embrace I found comfort, solace, and a needed break from those prior few minutes of confusion and despondence...emotionally, I lost it a little, trying not to let our son see what was happening since it was important to me that he see me as a "grown-up." Whatever that means.

The following week, we traveled back to CT for my mother's services. It was a beautiful gathering of long-time-no-see family and friends. As a matter of fact, we found ourselves having a fantastic time. Old friends of mine showed up to her wake whom I would not have thought would stop by at my own wake. The funeral was at the Catholic church where I was confirmed as a boy, which was for me, a warm and comforting place to experience this difficult event. Later, we partied at a local event hall, sharing our favorite mom-stories while her rowdy sisters and one brother (6 in all) all made the room feel like mom was partying right there with us.

I didn't cry. I was never sad about any of it. I didn't cry except for one moment. When it was time to say goodnight to so many old friends and family at the wake, we all said our goodbyes to each other, some of us planning to go eat out at a fancy Italian restaurant, when I realized we should probably allow our 2 year old son to say goodbye to mom since her ashes had been there the entire evening. After all-she was right there among us. In his own way, he had been having as great a time as everyone else, possibly better, climbing over all the plush chairs, rough-housing with relatives he had never met prior, and playing hide and seek. I picked up my hyper boy and expected to do just a cute little "b-bye" wave and go to dinner, but when I picked him up and said "say goodbye to Mimi, bud"...clear as day, focused and sincere...he delivered a pitch-perfect "Bye, bye, Mimi!!!" Where on earth did that come from? I couldn't hold it, and I just lost it for a minute.

I heard so many echoes. Echoes of the soul, crying out to each other. "Remember when...?" Through my child, through old friends, through family members with long histories. Relationships that are now forever changed because of time or just because some of us are gone. Memories were recalled that exist now in our stories, in our current relationships with each other, in our own further understanding of who we are as ourselves. The connections we made over the years had deep meaning. Like fabric being sown together over the years, they remained intact. The meaning doesn't become evident until someone leaves us and we cry out for more of it. "Where did it go?" They come out in echoes without us even trying and when they do, they touch our soul and can even move us to tears.

The Final Countdown!

The LAUNCH Video...FINALLY.

I realize that I took this trip over a year and a half ago, now...not to mention that my last installment of the footage was posted over ten months ago--but better late than never. It's hard to justify making fun videos when trying to finish school, preparing for a baby, and starting a new job!

But as luck would have it, I was able to find a few spare moments over the last few weeks to do a little editing and finally get the launch part into a segment. After all, that's the payoff! Who wants to follow the antics of goofy 40-something-year-olds under the stress of sleep deprivation and general confusion while racing around Florida marshes when they can watch giant rockets blast into the sky?

So, enjoy!

In all seriousness, this was such a memorable and unique experience...and one that I will never forget! I'm glad my wife was supportive of me to just take off to Florida and do it...and to tell the tale afterwards.

As we get ready for our boy, Cooper, to come into this world...it reminds me that boyish dreams and unrestrained imagination have an important, and real place on this earth...even if its manifestation is a little delayed! I hope to impart this realization with him, allow him to remember to keep dreaming, and to not lose hope in the process. Apparently, the only thing you really need for that is a healthy dose of curiosity and a little patience!

Three Components in Life that could Make the Difference Between Success and Failure

For twelve years I have worked with people suffering from various disabilities, and for the last nine years I’ve worked primarily with adults struggling from severe and persistent mental illnesses. During this time I have often thought about the experience of having a significant "state sanctioned" disability. Through my interactions with those who suffer from autism, cerebral palsy, schizophrenia, and even mild depression—from a life stuck inside of a mind that cannot verbally communicate, to a life stuck inside of a body that cannot move, to a life stuck with a brain that cannot interpret its surroundings—I have often wondered: what is that experience like and what things can I do to help? Furthermore,  regardless of having a state-sanctioned disability, am I really that different in my own personal struggles? Are any of us?

I have found myself asking those questions both in work settings and in day-to-day settings where I may happen to be; both when I have the opportunity to help someone as a part of my job or when I am just a "people-watcher" observing folks live and interact with each other. Over the past five or six years, when I think about suggestions or solutions for them and for me, I keep coming back to a few simple (but perhaps overlooked) observations. 

A few years back, while I was working at a vocational training facility—one that served people with a wide range of disabilities—I started to notice some patterns. I found that two components were consistently present to a significant degree in the lives of those who were improving, and that those same two components were consistently absent or lacking in those who continued to struggle.

Those two components are structure and support.

These two common elements—which to some extent are present in the lives of everyone, disabled or not—are broad ideas, certainly. However, the prominence of these elements in the lives of the clients at the facility had a significant correlation to their succeeding in their goals. I would realize later that the presence of these two elements also has a significant correlation to success in our own lives.

At the training facility, each client’s success was partially dependent on the amount, complexity, and type of structure that the client was willing and able to participate in. Additionally, in terms of support, each successful client had at least one person in their lives who "had their back"—whether it was a family member, a doctor, or agency staff. A team of supporters was the optimal scenario, but it didn't need to be a large team, just a varied and involved team—one who cared. Some clients had both components (structure and support) in a strong way; some had one or the other; some had one weak component and one strong component; and unfortunately a few essentially had neither component. Success usually followed when the client had a strong amount of both elements.

Now, this is not an entirely new way of thinking about things. IEP programs, other state and education programs, various nonprofits, rehabilitation centers, and mental health facilities all recognize the importance of structure and support, implement those two elements in some way, and have varying ranges of success. In the medical field, interdisciplinary teams are now an essential part of how a patient is cared for. Even in the "nondisabled" world, people try to keep themselves emotionally healthy with many a self-prescribed fix-it that could be vaguely grouped into one or even both of those two components (e.g., The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Alcoholics Anonymous). What seemed new to me was the idea of purposefully implementing a focused package of support and structure and measuring those two aspects alongside the client’s progress. By noticing a correlation with these two factors in the lives of the clients at the facility and intentionally applying more of each component into their treatment, I was confident that we could help them move forward in some way.

My colleagues and I at the training facility decided that it would be a good idea to test our observations by purposefully implementing these two components in each client's case. We started with just three clients, and we did see some success. However, even though the plan seemed simple enough, it made a lot of work for three agency staff working with ten to fifteen clients. Fortunately, we had observed some initial success with the three clients we chose to start with and this was the inspiration we needed to put in the work to make those adjustments.

The important thing was that the early hurdles in our first attempts did not negate the apparent validity of the correlation between having these two components in one’s life and the increased chances of moving forward in some meaningful way. It looked like the hurdles were largely due to implementation only. The idea stuck with me when I decided to go back to college and finish my degree.

I finished my college degree in Management and Human Relations at Trevecca Nazarene University in Nashville. With this program, the student is required to complete a Project Thesis—essentially, a small research project set forth as a 50-page paper. Students were to devise an intervention for a problem in the workforce, research the details, implement or propose implementation of that intervention, measure or hypothesize results, and conclude how effective the chosen intervention was for the workforce problem. This seemed like a good opportunity to revisit the two components at the training facility. Maybe I could refine it or improve it—or maybe I would find that it was an empty discovery, in which case I could put it to bed in my brain.

Through this research project, I explored other programs that did similar things, researched statistics about how much improvement people have actually had with and without those components, and continued to ruminate on implementing them at the facility. In the course of this research, I decided a third component was just as necessary to success: 

Individualization.

While I was researching how other programs implemented treatment to their clients, I saw that limited funds and large staff-to-client ratios forced small programs to "blanket" therapy to all treated individuals, even though each treated person might suffer from widely differing problems. This blanket therapy often forced an ineffective solution on a person with a significant problem who could otherwise be helped by a more tailored treatment. This lack of individualization essentially guarantees a watered-down overall success rate for any given facility. If that overall success rate is to improve, then each structured action plan needs to be tailor-made to each client. For example, IEP Plans (Individualized Education Program Plans) are individualized to each student by a team of people, and the plans are successful in many cases. At the training facility, we did indeed individualize treatment to the fullest extent that was pragmatically feasible, but it was clear from the success we saw that more purposeful and focused individualization was necessary to increase the odds for success.

Furthermore, I realized that the same point was valid in my own life. I wouldn’t expect someone else's specifically designed goals to apply to me or any of my plans. What I want is my own version of an IEP Plan—an Individualized Life Plan (ILP)! So I added that aspect into the mix, and then there were three: 

Structure, Support, and Individualization.

The idea did not end with writing a paper about it. After I finished school, the three components remained prominent in my work, in my thoughts, and in my life. I still had not fully vetted this observation; nor had I shaken out the bugs regarding a way to deliver treatment with it. And so I had to ask myself: How significant are these three components to the lives of people struggling with a problem? Can these three components be packaged, wrapped, and delivered in a payload format? Has this already been done in a comprehensive and purposeful way by someone else? If not, does the world need one more self-improvement idea?

I have since left my post at the facility and gone on to get a Master's in Social Work from The University of Tennessee, of which I am currently in my last semester. I have participated in two internships: the first was a facility very similar to the training facility I worked at while I was pursuing my undergraduate degree; the second an internship at a university counseling center doing what I would like to do for a post-collegiate career, psychotherapy. The three components have held up in both internships. The clients at the first internship facility, unfortunately, represented what can go wrong without a strong presence of all three components. And with each client I see at my current internship, success is apparent when all three components are strong. Those with depression or addictions, in particular, seem to respond to intentional implementation of all three components.

The difference between when I was working on the research project at Trevecca and now is that this idea of purposefully implementing a focused package of structure, support, and individualization to clients with a stated problem is not obscured by my own desires to improve my current job. Back then, it would have been difficult not to be plagued by rampant biases. Currently, I am in a better position to take a less biased perspective. As a researcher, one must ask a specific research question that will help one to see a way to measure success. In this case, I needed to ask if the purposeful and focused implementation of structure, support, and individualization improved the chances for success in the lives of people with stated problems. This is a broad question, and it probably needs refinement. Shall I choose a specific population? To what intervention do I compare the three-component-intervention to?

In my own life, I am currently trying to implement more of each component as a response to regular, everyday problems.  For example, since school began, I have put on some pounds—about 30-40 of them! However, keeping these three components in mind has helped me lose about twenty pounds over the last seven months. Diets, for me, are best when they are well-structured and individualized to my routine. My support team (who are all aware of my intent to lose weight) consists mostly of my wife, who is on board with the healthy menu each night, and my colleagues at the internship, who accompany me to Subway three days a week to eat a healthy sandwich. A successful diet approach is one of many examples of the everyday application of these components.

What do you think? Is this something, or is it just a rehash of what everyone tries to do already? My current thoughts, four or five years after noticing these patterns, revolve around a few questions: Is this a significant correlation? Do most people try to do this and just need a simple reminder to do it more purposefully? Is one component more important than another? Do these three components form a different element I’ve overlooked? Is there perhaps a fourth or fifth component to consider (I have recently considered adding motivation as a fourth component)? Should any of the three aspects be refined, redefined, or broadened in some way? 

Please tell me your thoughts. After all, I'm already stuck thinking about it!

Space Shuttle Trip Adventure...part two

Alright, alright...I know it's been, like, seven months since "part one" was published...but things got in the way!  Not the least of which was the video editing software crashing with every attempt! Finally, the Magix Movie Edit Pro 17 program decided to cooperate, and it allowed me to blow through this version of Slaying a Dragon, Part Two...blowing through it was the easy part since I "rehearsed" every part of it for the better part of 3-4 months before it crashed each time!

So, I will tell you--the launch footage is on it's way in Part Three...this is only 6 minutes of me bumbling around East Florida--but if you know me at least a little...you might guess that there are a few goofy parts in this episode...and it lays the foundation for the launch--which was one of the most fantastic things I've ever seen!

I'm hoping this is kind of a brief archive of a uniquely American experience...one that doesn't exist anymore! It's a road trip video blog...it's a personal expression of a guy that's suddenly feeling his 40's...and it's real footage of an event that can never, ever happen again...a spectacular few minutes that I will tell my grand kids about in another 40 years or so...What was the Space Shuttle like, grand pappy?

So, please enjoy...and I will get to work on Part Three-- now that the editing software has finally decided to straighten out and fly right!

I wanted to post this pic from our recent Christmas trip to Katie's hometown in Louisiana and our night in New Orleans. We took a break from family gatherings and took in a night of the yearly Celebration in the Oaks festival in the New Orleans City Park, and we were mystified by the antique carousel on display there...what other thing in this life can remind one of those early years of blissful, youthful abandon and pure reckless joy? I loved seeing that very expression on Katie's face as the carousel spun around--with young and old alike--riding wooden horses at breakneck speed...all done to the bouncy tunes from an old organ and calliope (even if that music is now being played over speakers).

Enjoy!

My Trip to See a Space Shuttle Launch is: Mission Accomplished!

Turning 40 has done a few things to my psyche.

One of those things is this constant noise in the back of my brain that keeps reminding me that there has always been a few things that I wanted to do in my life. Not just before I die, really, but before it doesn't make a lot of sense to pursue any longer. Some of the items on that list are the usual "bucket list" items... items like traveling to a few foreign and exotic countries (I'll never finish that one)...getting married to a beautiful women...check...a chance to drive a Jaguar at least once (and not during a bogus test-drive)...check...and one big item: I wanted a recording contract--something significant...but that one could not be checked off--oh, well...
But there have been a few other items that have been more or less attainable and realistic, like...riding a Harley--sort of similar to my desire to driving a Jaguar-- and the somewhat less attainable item of going to see a Space Shuttle launch!

Now, as many know, the Space Shuttle Program has been slated to end this summer. The shuttle vehicles are getting old, it's extremely expensive and dangerous to operate...and well, let's face it...not everyone cares about the program like they used to.

That bums me out, I have to say.

Now, me being a full time student, I was not really in a position to just take a few days, or even close to a week off to possibly see a Space Shuttle launch...the scheduled launch dates are often "scrubbed" right before launch time and I really didn't have that kind of luxury during school...and I certainly didn't have the time when I was working six days a week. But this last mission, Shuttle Endeavour's STS-134 mission, had been scheduled originally in April, which was during the spring semester...but as luck would have it, it was scrubbed not once, but twice! Moving the possible launch date to a time during my summer break!

Perfect!

So, then my mind started working on it...I don't want to just hop in the car and go. I also didn't want to just park, watch--then go home. How boring would that be? Instead, I thought that this would be a great opportunity to document the whole experience! I have a camera with video capability and I obviously have a computer, right?...What more would I need to create a record of a once-in-a-lifetime event...to have a keepsake of something I'll never do again, and something I have always wanted to do?

So, here it is...the first part of the 4 or 5 segments I am working to put together...documenting my trip to watch Shuttle Endeavour's final voyage into space! I'm calling it "Slaying a Dragon"...because that's kind of what it was like! It was a fantastic adventure--one that I will never forget---and one that I am really excited to share!
So here' goes...Part One!